The D*ck Pic Master

A visual journey no woman asked for and every man still thinks is a gift.

Let’s just start with the truth:
We do not want to see your penis.
Not in the middle of the day. Not over lunch. Not while we’re in line at Target, eating cheese, or contemplating if we can afford oat milk this week.
We don’t want it unless we're already naked, in your bed, fully invested, and maybe — maybe — deeply emotionally attached. And even then? It’s not always a yes.

So when my roommate came home last week from her wholesome trip to Wisconsin — high on nostalgia, cozy Midwest fantasies, and dreams of emotionally available corn-fed men — she did not expect to be visually assaulted by a man she thought was sweet.

At first, it was butterflies.
Cute texts.
Shared high school memories.
Maybe love was blooming again… until he got restless.

He started doing what so many men do when they don’t get instant sexual validation:
He asked for a pic.
Then another.
Then another.
And when she hesitated — because not everyone has a ring light in their bedroom and spends their nights staging thirst traps — he dropped a bomb.

The Arrival of the Dick Pic

I walk through the door and my roommate greets me with a look that says, “You are about to witness something both historic and horrifying.”

“He sent me a dick pic.”
Classic.

Now, being the supportive friend I am and also a self-proclaimed Dick Pic Anthropologist, I of course said, “Show me.”

Let me say this as delicately as possible:
It was… veiny.
Nice size? Sure.
Still revolting? Absolutely.

Because here’s the real truth:
When we’re not in the act, when our hormones aren’t already in overdrive, and when we’re not in a deeply connected mood — a penis is a rogue sea cucumber with boundary issues.

Women don't look at it and get turned on.
We squint.
We tilt our heads.
We analyze.
We laugh.
We send it to our friends like, “Girl… LOOK at this.”

We zoom in.
We judge the lighting.
We critique the angle like it’s an amateur art piece from a college freshman.
And we wonder:
“Was he kneeling?”
“Is that lotion?”
“Why is his thumb in frame like that?”
“Did he seriously use portrait mode?”

And just when we thought it couldn’t get worse…

Enter: The Gizz Pic

A new horror unlocked.

I’d never seen one in the wild before. But this man, oh this Dick Pic Master, sent a full money shot in action. I hate that I even have to say this, but it was mid-explosion. Standing up. Camera ready. Timing? Impeccable. Honestly, Oscar-worthy performance. Disgusting? Yes. Technically impressive? Also yes.

We stared in awe and fear. Like we were witnessing the first glimpse of a nuclear meltdown and couldn’t look away.

The Rejected Picasso

Now here’s where it gets even better. After his unsolicited video debut, he demanded a lingerie pic in return.

My roommate — drained, disgusted, and eating string cheese at this point — politely shut him down.

His response?
“That was a few weeks ago.”

…What?

She asked what any logical woman would ask:
“How many girls have you sent that to?”

And he says — I kid you not —
“Honestly, just two.”

Just. Two.
Sir. You are out here sending rerun dick pics. You’re not even giving her a custom d*ck? This is secondhand schlong. Recycled rocket. A repurposed pickle. A dick-tok classic.

WHO SAVES THAT IN THEIR CAMERA ROLL?
Do you name it? Do you have a folder? Is there a d*ck pic reel you share like a highlight story on Instagram?

And THEN — after all that — he has the audacity to call her a California snob.

Bro, you just FaceTimed your genitals and called her judgmental?

The Psychological Deep Dive: Why Do Men Send These?

Let’s unpack this mystery, shall we?

Because clearly, this isn’t about us. If men actually listened to women, they’d know this isn’t arousing, flattering, or well-received 98% of the time. So what’s the deal?

Theories include:

1. Validation Seeking:
   They don’t need your desire. They need your reaction. It’s not even about arousing you — it’s about confirming they’re worthy. Look at it. Approve of it. Say it's big. Lie to me, baby.

2. Control & Power:
   Unsolicited pics can be a form of dominance. Like “Here’s my d*ck, now you have to deal with it.” It's psychological exposure mixed with weird entitlement.

3. Pornification of Relationships:
   They consume so much instant gratification and digitally staged “sexting culture,” they think this is what romance is now.
   Spoiler: it’s not.

4. Misguided Fantasy:
   They believe women react the way men would if we got a random vagina pic. They genuinely think we’ll scream “OMG YES PLEASE” and drive over barefoot in a trench coat.
   We will not.

5. They’re Dumb.
   Sometimes… it’s just that simple.

Moral of the Story:

Don’t send naked pictures to people.
Don’t ask for a return on visual investment.
And don’t recycle your d*ck pics like leftovers from last week’s dinner date.
We will find out. We will tell the group chat.
And we might blog about it.

If you have a horror story and want me to write about it because you are too ashamed to, email me at yourdatingunexpert@gmail.com